UNDERGROUND PHOTOGRAPHY

Everyone has their past and everyone has their story. I personally like to remain up close and intimate with my fans and those who admire my work. I believe it helps people to understand more about my work and where it comes from. I want people to understand that even though my work may appear to have been made in a matter of minutes, a lot of heart, thought and time went into each and every piece. So each and every piece has earned its' place in my story. It's obvious that my work gears more toward the lesbian/gay/transgender community. A lifestyle that is not widely accepted nor is it understood. Even though it is nearly impossible for one person to change the visions of the entire world , I wish to make an effort at helping those that surround me as well as those who surround the globe grasp a better understanding of this life. It needs to be understood that this lifestyle is not a choice but a direction set for us long before we even had any idea as to which way we were going. My work has many things to say to everyone. Maybe your a young girl who is having similar feelings in which I have experienced with not understanding why I did not want to look like a girl. Or you are a grown man whos' daughter has just confessed to being a lesbian or transgender and you want a better understanding of what she/he is feeling. Or maybe you are heterosexual, just wanting to show a friend support by relating to something in their life. Either way, Some will fall in love, some will find inspiration, some will find the answers, But at the same time some will be offended. But truth be told, I will still have nothing to hide. As you will see I am the subject in a most of my work. Early in my career I could not find anyone to pose for me, Well none that I wanted to photograph that is. I knew what I was looking for. Someone who looked just like me. More of the androgynous type. Someone who had the same masculine qualities but at the same time was not afraid to show the world they were different. Though none were exactly knocking down my door. Eventually I got tired of waiting, and realized I would need to put aside my feelings of being bashful and I jumped right in front of the camera, as if I had done this my entire life. Shot after shot, series after series, I started to amaze myself. I couldn't believe that it was I, myself, who were in those photographs. I hear all to often how I fit the description of a "typical lesbian", either that or they mistake me for a fifteen year old boy. Even so I'm still waiting for my answer to the question of what exactly does a lesbian look like? I discovered at the very young age of eight years old that I was different. Of course then I had no idea what a lesbian/transgender was. But I knew that I was experiencing feelings that were unlike any of my peers. Yes, I know many of you are saying to yourself that is too young to even know about sexuality and that most girls do not even think about sex let alone sexuality that young. But it's the truth. Although it's not exactly like I was eight years old and fantasizing about playboy models. There was just signs that made me realize I was different from other little girls. These signs were so small and simple that most people surrounding me didn't even notice. Or they did notice and just allowed me to be comfortable with who I was becoming. This may sound funny, but I even hated other little girls and everything about them. I refused to play with any of them. I thought they were to prissy and boring and dolls were definitely not my thing. But if it were a must that I had to have a doll it had to be a ken doll or a G.I.Joe. But normally I was always found playing with the boys. Riding bikes (Of course it had to be a boys bike) climbing trees, wrestling around in the mud, or just rough housing around in the pool topless sporting a pair of boys swim trunks. But either way it was certain you would find handful of boys rough housing right along with me. Even my brother was showing more feminine qualities then I was. It's as if I were developing physically as a female but emotionally as a male. I dressed like the boys. I played with the boys. I even hated little girls like the boys. Everyone just thought I was a "tomboy". They even blamed all of my boyish qualities on being the only girl in the family. As well as being raised with my brother and my three male cousins. Even so, no one ever questioned who I was. They just allowed me to be me. Even at such a young age. It was not until I reached my teenage years did I begin to struggle with my sexuality. Finally admitting to myself that I was a different as far as my thoughts of sexuality, but not exactly accepting it. Life began to get more complex And very difficult for me. I did not want my family to discover my secrete. Even though I really needed them at the time I just knew they would be devastated. I just figured if I couldn't understand it. And I couldn't accept it. How in the hell could I expect them to. The pain from lying and hiding grew so great I needed to find a way to take control of my pain. I figured if I were going to be alone and if I were going to hurt it was going to be on my time and my terms. I needed to take control of my pain. So I began cutting. I didn't have a tool of choice. Anything would do. Razor, box cutter, knife or broken glass. It didn't matter. It was my way of coping. And as awful as it may sound the pain I was inflicting upon myself somehow seemed to hurt so much less then the pain my sexuality was inflicting upon me. Surprisingly enough no one ever noticed or asked question. I guess my stories and excuses for my wounds were very convincing. After a while my feelings began to grow more intense and much more confusing for me. I could not come up with an explanation to why I was feeling the way I was. These feelings grew so great I could no longer go threw this alone. Yet I still had no one to turn to. So I desperately began searching for a way out. A way to protect my family from embarrassment and the shame they would lay upon me out of disappointment. I really didn't care how I did it. I just wanted it over. I was emotionally drained and extremely depressed. I never left my room unless it was to go to school or to eat dinner. Half of the time I would beg to stay home so I didn't have to attend school and face everyone else. Even though they had no idea I still feared they would find out someway and ruin my life. I hated being different. Especially different in this way. I just wanted to be normal like everyone else. I just didn't see that happening. I could not change my feelings and my thoughts were consuming every last inch of my mind. I just wanted it over and I was willing to accomplish that anyway I possibly could. Only my plans of escape were nothing more then several failed attempts of a selfish act of suicide. Even though today I couldn't even imagine trying to commit suicide. Back then I wanted nothing more then to no longer exist. I attempted everything young child could imagine. From strangling myself with electrical cords to slicing my wrist with broken light bulbs. Obviously my attempts were unsuccessful. Either that or I would pass out from lack of oxygen and begin breathing once again or I wouldn't slice my wrist deep enough or I would do it the wrong way. Deep inside I didn't really want to die. This is probably the only time you will hear me say I'm grateful for being a failure at something in my life. I was just barely fourteen years old when I had my first sexual experience a female. She was only thirteen. Regardless we so truly believed we were in love with one another. The truth is neither one of us really knew what love was. But we were ready and willing to learn. She became my second biggest secrete. I was getting very good at keeping my secretes. Also very good at trying to appear to be like everyone else. I even made sure to have a boyfriend from time to time to ease the slightest doubts anyone could possibly have about my sexuality. I even joined in with classmates when they would bash on the more open and obvious gay/transgender classmates that I went to school with. That doesn't mean I didn't go home at the end of the day feeling like shit because of my actions. I just couldn't take a risk of anyone finding out about me. I would be ruined. After all I witnessed and I was a part of the torment the others were getting and going through. I still wasn't strong enough to face that yet. Although I was very ashamed of myself for being a part of that and not fighting for those other kids who probably would have faught for me. Seven years later is where my life really began to change. My first love and I would finally call it quits. The girl who once was the center of my attention made my world a living hell. I went through seven years of hiding her. And seven years of hiding the fact that she cheated on me several times. She couldn't decide wether or not she was gay or straight. I just called her selfish. I had no one to turn to. At this point still no one knew. but that would soon change. I was tired of lying. I was tired of hiding. I wanted the whole world to know who I was, and who she was, and just how bad she hurt me. I knew it was over. I knew I had to get away from her. Far away from her. But before I left I made sure to jump the fuck up out of the closet and I took her with me. I remember it as if it were yesterday. I wanted to tell my best friend first. She was my rock, my support through out the years. I felt as though I owed her the truth. She deserved to know, so I asked her to stop by my house to say good bye before I moved away. I told her I needed to confess something to her, so she rushed over right away. As she did every other time I told her I needed her. She's never let me down. She stood on one side of the breakfast counter as I stood on the other. No words were ever exchanged when she first arrived, instead I slid a half way folded post it note across the bar to her. When she opened it, inside she read "I'm gay." I stood there shaking. I was so nervous at the thought of losing my very best friend. I needed her. Soon her once emotionless face grew the biggest smile of security. It was then I knew everything was going to be OK. She then grabbed me and embraced me into her arms and whispered "I still love you!" into my ear. It was the first time in my life did I feel the weight that I had carried for so many years on my heart finally lift. I didn't want her to let go. It felt so good to finally tell someone after keeping it a secrete for so long. She then proceeds to top the moment off by telling me that she knew all along. She had only been waiting for me to come to her. She also added that she knew about me and my girlfriend at the time. And expressed just how much she did not like her. She was also pleased to hear it was finally over for her and I. Before I could pack up my entire life and pack it tightly into my little Hyundai accent. And say my good-byes to NC and head back to my home state of NJ I had one more person to come clean to. One more person I was afraid of disappointing. One last person I would have to face. That person would be my mother. My mother and I did not have the best relationship as mother and child. Instead were more like best of friends. Either way I still had respect for my mother and I valued her opinion of me. I think my mother knew the entire time as well. Only she wasn't 100% certain. She made comments through out the years that would give a hint that she was aware. But it went no further then that. It was 3:30 in the morning when I finally gathered up the courage to go over to my mothers house and reveal my secrete to her. I remember it like it were yesterday. I walked into her bedroom and woke her from a sound sleep crying. I was crying so hard I couldn't even tell her why I was there. All she kept saying was "What is wrong?" "Tell me!" I responded with "Your going to hate me!" After about 30mins of us going back and forth I finally blurted it out "I'm gay!" My heart felt as though it had stopped along with my world. I really was far from being prepared for her reaction. My mother started cracking up laughing. I was shocked. I really couldn't find the humor in that moment. But she obviously did. I asked her "What is so funny?" " I'm not lying! I'm gay! Its not a joke!" She finally stopped laughing but continued to smile when she said "I know. I knew all along." But I really wasn't prepared for what she would say next. All of a sudden she blurts out "What you don't think I've ever been with woman?" I think I went into shock when my mother told me she had been with another women. I just looked at her in shock and said "I really don't want to hear this about my mother." Even though I didn't find it so funny at that moment, I laugh every time I think about it now. She then confessed to me that she too, had fallen in love with a woman, she stated to me, had the other woman not broken her heart she probably would have stayed with her forever. She never questioned me, and she continued to be just as supportive through out the years. I actually believe it brought us closer, and I was able to express to her all of my feelings. I even told her how I felt that I don't feel like a female, even though I may have female parts, I think and feel as a male. She told me she understood that as well, she couldn't relate to what I was feeling, but could understand what I was feeling. There were times when she had questioned me about wanting surgeries, and hormone treatments, and to be honest with you there were and still are times when I question would those things make me feel whole as a person? I've just decided no matter how I feel, or what I do to make my body fit my mind, society will still find it's way of breaking me in half. So what's the point? I will never be looked upon as an equal. It wont make my family love me again, or gain the acceptance of my "Father". So at this point in my life I choose to accept what I am, who I am, and that I will continue to suffer from Gender Disphoria for the rest of my life. But I choose to use my experiences, my life, my mistakes, my stories, my words, and my work, to help others....Even if I help one person out, If I change the views of one ignorant person, or stop one child who is different from taking their life. My reason for being, is accomplished. My story is far from being over, and I've left so much out. I'm sure I will continue to add more as we move along with life, but at this time I would like to thank those who have supported me over the years, those who have befriended me then took it all back when I was honest with them, I want to thank all of those who have hated me, bashed me and discriminated against me. Because it is YOU who has made me the person that I am today.